Sickness and Powder - essentials for laughter

So I've always been told that I'm a terrible writer because everything that I write sounds exactly how I talk...and apparently that's not a good thing.  Oh well.  I think that it's important for anyone that might read this to read it like I would say it because it'll be funnier that way.  Because my life...you can't make it up.

For example...we'll talk about my work first.  I went to college, I hated every minute of it because it got in the way of me making money, but I went, because it's what you are supposed to do.  Then I went back to college and got my MBA, because that's what you are supposed to do.  Hated that too.  But it was supposed to mean that I would be making all of this money which is how I thought I should judge my success.  Fail.  I like my job, sometimes more than others.  Some days, I feel like I'm running a daycare for dysfunctional children who are all waiting on their IEPs to get their lives right.  I've never met more people less motivated in money and more motivated to complain about how much their lives suck because they don't make more money.  Guess what?  If you aren't on salary, your hourly rate is a mute point when you don't SHOW UP FOR WORK.  I mean...how are these people sick so often?  The number of times someone calls in sick is ridiculous to me...one would think they should be at the doctor getting checked out for leukemia or colon cancer or something because I know I would be if I was that sick all the time.  Funny how that works...they don't even go to the doctor when they are too sick to work...they are LAZY.  They aren't sick.  They are just L-A-Z-Y!  I don't know how lazy people get their bills paid because the bill collectors aren't lazy.  At least mine aren't anyway.  UGH.

When I hang out with one of my territory reps for products that we use at work...they always ask me to tell them about my employees because I always have funny stories.  I don't actually know if they are funny stories or if it's the way I tell the story with such passion and annoyance...like the other day...when I had to tell a girl that she smells terrible.  TERRIBLE.  And that I could fry chicken with the grease in her hair.  She doesn't seem to care because she still stinks.  So I constantly think about showing her the videos that I found from the Meat Ministries.  She needs POWDER.  Errrwhere.

Another example of the crazy is the girl that has dedicated her whole life to Harry Potter.  Harry Freaking Potter.  But she hasn't even read all of the books.  She just watched the movies.  And tattooed her entire leg for Harry.  Harry Potter.  What happens one day when Harry Potter isn't cool anymore?  I mean...hasn't that time arrived anyway?  But then again, I guess you should know that I don't just judge Harry Potter tattoos - I judge lots of tattoos...because old wrinkly saggy tattoos sound disgusting to me.

I could go on and on about these people that I work with and how much they entertain me...but I'll save more stories for a different post.  We can't have all of our laughs in the first post...you'd never come back and read any others.

Onto my next topic for today: life.

Wow that's broad.  But it's so hard to figure out what you want to do with life sometimes - being an adult is really lame sometimes.

I'll tell you all about the choices I'm trying to make:

1. I want to be a personal shopper for someone famous.  But see...there are some problems...first problem - I don't know anyone famous. Second problem - I don't know where to find a famous person that would like me to do their shopping when I wear jeans and a tshirt almost any chance I get.  Problems.  UGH.

2. I need to finish my certification to be a Certified Wedding Planner.  But there's a problem with this too.  I need a friend to let me be their wedding planner but I don't know any friends that might get married sometime soon - other than my little chicken but she wants to get married at the courthouse - low key.

3.  On days that I really need a change from my job...I think about going back to college.  But then I think...what career do I really want and will it really pay me enough (reminder: I'm all about the money) to be worth the massive student loans that would come from it.  Doctorate in business so I can teach?  Do I really want to teach collegiate classes?  Am I smart enough to teach collegiate classes?  Masters in regular high school education?  Do I really want a paycut with more student loans all to get my summers off?  Why won't these companies that I really really really want to work for want to hire me without "sales experience"?  Rude.  I have more sales experience than they know...I just don't know how to articulate it well enough to lure them. 

4. I want to be near my niece.  Who wants to give me a job that I want, not working weekends, making decent money that puts me near my niece?  SHOW ME THE MONEY.

And the powder.  Powder is important.